The Uncanny X-Men At The State Fair Of Texas

I grew up an eager, comic-collecting lad in the hinterlands of North Texas. There was an issue spoken of in hushed tones among my coterie of comic book geeks. A bizarre and exclusive adventure of the X-Men, set in our own back yard! Behold – The Uncanny X-Men At The State Fair Of Texas:

This issue was released in October 1983 as a free insert to the now-defunct Dallas Times Herald newspaper. Created to promote the annual Texas State Fair, the issue follows our merry band of mutants through the fair as they encounter a misguided equine-mutant youth, a nefarious plot by Magneto, and the giant “Big Tex” statue that might possibly be alive. It gets real weird, people. Let’s begin.

The stage is set, in classic bronze-age X-Men fashion, with a scene in the Danger Room. We learn for the 1000th time who the X-Men are, and what they can do:

The team lineup is the standard one from mid-80s X-Men: Cyclops, Storm, Colossus, Wolverine, and Nightcrawler. We also get an unusually self-loathing appearance from Kitty Pryde. Everyone refers to her as “Ariel” despite the fact that she told Professor X that name sucked back in Uncanny X-Men #139:

The training session is interrupted because Cerebro has detected a new mutant…*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* deep in the heart of Texas! The X-Men depart for the Lone Star State. They are beaten to the fair by Magneto, who has plans of his own for the young mutant. Plans which include harnessing his inner brony to connect with the horse-obsessed youth:

Young Daniel Wiley grew up on a horse farm outside of Dallas, and longed to connect with his equine friends. One night, his mutant power manifested, allowing him to transform into a “centaur”:

Well…okay? I guess as far as mutant powers go, it’s not the worst. And I guess centaurs have wings now? So we’ve got a young mutant with a slightly creepy obsession with horses, an evil mutant with a definitely creepy obsession with Daniel, and a hazy understanding of Greek mythology. So far, so good.

Magneto plots to recruit Daniel into his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Because nothing strikes fear into the heart of Homo Sapiens like the sight of a bare-chested, half-equine youth. I guess he’s technically naked in his centaur form? That actually is pretty terrifying now that I think about it. It’s bad enough being attacked by an evil mutant, it must be a lot more frightening when they’re doing it in the buff.

The X-Men finally arrive at the fair and try to locate their mutant quarry. Cut to a clearly staged set of panels to highlight the various attractions at the fair! Lena Horne! The Age of Steam Exhibit! Big Tex! Big-ass American automobiles that strike Peter Rasputin with awe!

Alas, the Texas State Fair contains far too many attractions to witness in a single day. Charles Xavier admits defeat and vows to return the next day:

Magneto continues his seduction of innocent Daniel with a trip to the Cotton Bowl:

Uh…too much information, Magneto.

Xavier’s mutant mind detects Magneto’s sketchy intentions, and the pursuit is on! Shadowcat/Sprite/Kitty Pryde/Ariel catches up to the fleeing Daniel and Magneto, but Magneto tricks Daniel into thinking the X-Men are attacking him instead of saving him. Daniel turns heel, defends Magneto, and is rewarded with a lame moniker befitting his lame powers – Eques!

Eques decides that Professor X isn’t crippled enough and decides to serve up a Christopher Reeve special:

Nightcrawler saves the Professor in time. The metal-powered duo of Wolverine and Colossus fight back against the Master of Magnetism, with predictable results:

The fight rages on, with Magneto basically handing Cyclops and crew their collective X-asses. At least until Magneto’s attack nearly injures some horses, and then says exactly the wrong thing:

“YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU TOLD ME FRIENDSHIP WAS MAGIC!”

Magneto lands near the feet of Big Tex, and this happens:

One Texas-sized ass-kicking later, Magneto is defeated. Xavier invites Eques to join the X-Men. Daniel politely declines, preferring Dallas and horses to a lifetime of thrilling adventures with everyone’s favorite mutant team. Having spent years of my life in Dallas, I can say that Daniel is objectively incorrect in his choice. Everyone has a 1980s-cartoon-ending-ha-ha-moment where everyone is confused about whose mutant power caused Big Tex’s boot to kick Magneto:

So in Marvel canon, the state of Texas is guarded by a giant, semi-benevolent golem clad in western wear. Sure, why not.

Some key takeaways from this story:

• Centaurs have wings, I guess.
• If you’re being tailed by the X-Men and you need to lose them, dazzle them with a wide variety of attractions that cannot all be observed in a single day.
• Magneto seems way more evil when he’s doing the “creepy uncle” act than the “mutant terrorist” act.
• If you’re an evil mutant and you start trouble at the State Fair of Texas, Big Tex will WRECK YOUR SHIT.

As if the action wasn’t thrilling enough, Professor X also appears throughout the issue in activity content apart from the story. He demands that the reader complete feats of mental agility, such as finding words hidden upon his glimmering forehead:

Ordering us to stop the search for Magneto, and instead hunt for words:

He implores us to identify mysterious animals:

As if Professor X’s demands aren’t enough, we also get Cyclops threatening to injure the reader if they don’t immediately stop what they’re doing and draw his visor:

I certainly don’t remember children’s activities being this pushy in all the other 1980s ephemera I’ve read…

The story of this issue is a below-average X-Men yarn, but the real entertainment value from this book is in the ads. I have no idea whether to credit Marvel or the local businesses for the unintentional hilarity of the ads, but kudos to whoever it was. In this issue, we learn:

The Hulk 1) had a Mama Hulk, 2) wore boots as a Hulk-child, and 3) obtained his simultaneously Hulk-sized and child-sized boots at Boot Town:

This simple line of ad copy brings up a lot of continuity questions. Did child Hulk grow up as a separate entity as Bruce Banner? Is this just a manifestation of Banner’s latent multiple-personality disorder? Is he remembering his mother as a hulking monster, yet gentle and caring when it came to western footwear? Boot Town holds no answers for us.

Storkland Maternity implores us to “show your comic book for 15% off all Leotards and Tights.” This conjures up a mental picture of a wild-eyed teen brandishing a comic book in a store full of pregnant women, yelling “GIVE ME TIGHTS!”

An ad recruiting local youths to deliver papers for the Dallas Times-Herald has an eerily prescient warning for Millenials:

Spider-Man shills for RCA television sets:

Ol’ Webhead also reminds us that home theater in the 1980s was CRAZY EXPENSIVE:

And on the back cover, Spider Man has evidently decided that he’s had enough of this crazy issue and is eloping with Don Morgan on a lasso. They were last seen shopping for a cozy bungalow in Boot Town.

Bonus page! I love this one-page summary of the X-Men:

I especially love Cheerful Wolverine who is “pure dynamite”!